FOR GOOD? or something bad
Hi Em, long time lurker, first time caller đ. I have lost contact with my best friend from high school. We had several big arguments and I always felt that she was immature. But we had this song, For good (wicked obvs) that we always promised that we would sing at each of our weddings. Iâm not getting married yet. But I just played the album in preparation for their trailer release of Wicked! And I sobbed like a baby. She never got along with my long term partner and we are still happily together. But Iâm feeling really lost after such an emotional outburst from our old song. I also never replaced that friendship. I donât have a Michael in my life. My best friend is my partner. But Iâm missing having a sister like figure in my life. Should I reach out? See if after several (3+) years we are in different place. Last time we saw each other we both were pretty horrible to one another. Please help.
Toowoomba girly
Hello Em, I am a Toowoomba girly and coming to see your show here. I have been sharing your show, and I have mustered up a few friends plus my husband to come along. I donât have a very big social media following so Iâm possibly not getting the word out there much. My question is, do you have some flyers I could be posting around town or something like that?! I am (clearly) very excited to see your show and would love to help get more people on board! This is probably not the place to ask this but I thought it would reach you anyway đ Iâm rambling now. Much love, Maddie
AITA - WARNING - Long Post Ahead!!
AITA !!!WARNING!!! Long Post Ahead!! (with a couple of small side quests unintentionally added in for good measure) Also trigger warnings for infertility, medical trauma, parental trauma etc Backstory: My Mum and I have a very up & down, challenging and arduous relationship (she is undiagnosed ADHD & OCD and at 31 after the birth of my second child I was diagnosed with ADHD & 18 months later added ASD to my long list of acronyms (C-PTSD, OCD, Anxiety & Binge Eating Disorder)). We are âcloseâ, however she is not someone I consider emotionally supportive, nor is she a safe person for me to unmask around. It took her a while to come to terms with my diagnosis (as most mothersâ of late diagnosed daughters generally are); however sending her Emâs speech at The National Press Conference and a few other posts from when Em was first unpacking her initial ADHD diagnosis helped her understand me a little more, and also let go of some of the shame, guilt and ableism she was experiencing. Sidenote: I went into labour with my eldest daughter at 23 weeks and gave birth to her 4 weeks later; she was born at 27weeks weighing 1070grams, had lifesaving surgery at 3 days old and was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer at 8 months old (donât worry, sheâs now in remission and a completely healthy, happy, Neurodivergent AF 5 year old)) During those 4 weeks between my waters breaking and her actual birth, I was an Inpatient âon bedrest with toilet privilegesâ at Canberra Hospital (4hrs away from home), and requested a copy of Emâs book âTry Hardâ (which she picked up from the bookstore for me). That same year I was DEVASTATED I couldnât see Rage and Rainbows as I had only just gotten home with my micropreemie, so it didnât feel right to leave her. I say all of this to help you (Benjamin Wasley who is probably proof reading this!!!) get an understanding of how deep my connection to Em and her work, and also the importance of how much Emâs advocacy work (both direct and indirectly) has helped my Mum understand me a little more and at the very least, drop SOME of her judgment towards me. Sidenote: I subscribed to Emsolation the day it first dropped as I was in NSW, in my first trimester with my 2nd child, but in complete lockdown due to my eldest daughterâs compromised immune system thanks to her being a micropreemie with a rare form of cancer. I also became a paying Emsolator the week it became available, as I love everything that Em does and although I couldnât afford much, that $9.95 a month was my irrefutable âself-careâ. Now in a complete plot-twist, on Motherâs Day this year, I was on the phone to Mum, and she said she had seen Emâs show OUTGROWN advertised and if Iâd like, she would buy me two tickets to the Canberra Show. Of course I said yes without hesitation, as I had been going in to see the seats and ticket prices ever since Pre-Sale tickets became available to us subscribers, however never had the money to purchase any myself. Now for as long as I can remember, whenever my Mum has gotten me a gift (especially a thoughtful one), it has ALWAYS either come with some random set of rules & demands, or as an attempt to apologise without her having to actually say the word âsorryâ (generally for her shitty behaviour towards me or insensitive remarks on my body, parenting, weight, house cleanliness (or lack there of) etc. OF COURSE I jumped at the opportunity, expressed my deep gratitude and even told her how I had been looking at tickets for over a month when Pre-Sale became available to us subscribers. I was (and still am) GENUINELY impressed with her seeing the ad for Outgrown and thinking of me instantly. She said itâs because she knows how much I love Em (I listened to Em when she was on Radio with the first 2 dickheads she had to put up with, and have followed along with everything she has done since); and that our diagnosis journeyâs were so similar and happening around the same time, having me send her stuff that I thought would help her understand, she knew I would LOVE to go to one of her shows. Now OF COURSE I immediately called my best friend since I was 16 and asked her to be my plus one (Mum bought me two tickets for my birthday, knowing that my anxiety would NEVER allow me to go alone - no matter how much the other Emsolators felt like âmy peopleâ). However upon reflection, should I have asked my Mum to come with me, as Iâm sure sheâd love it also, and we havenât spent any time together since I was 16 and only a few months away from moving out (to the Gold Coast of all places!!!). Itâs probably important that I add here that I am a recovering people pleaser, and itâs only been in the last 2 years that I have been setting firm boundaries with my Mum (that she still crosses ALL THE TIME). I would love to hear your opinion team, on whether I made the right choice by asking my best friend to come along with me, or if I should have asked Mum first if she wanted to join me, as it could be a really lovely bonding experience (but also probably VERY triggering for me as we would be sharing accommodation for the night and she is NOT a nice drunk and will not be able to attend without atleast a few sav blancs under her belt, which will absolutely turn into an argument at some stage. To give you an idea of the depth of her nastiness when a bottle of cheap white deep, when my baby cousin died at 25 from suicide, she told me she wished it was me and not him (according to her she âmerely meant that she wished she could take her sisterâs pain away); when I called her to tell her I had gone into early labour she screamed so much that I had to hang up on her and call my Dad so I could give them all of the information; when I was 6 weeks postpartum (from an emergency cesarean) she took me shopping to âcheer me upâ while my daughter was in NICU and after trying afew different things on, she told me âeverything would look so lovely on you if only your stomach wasnât so hugeâ, and most recently she dropped over unannounced while I was in the middle of a panic attack and as a way to âcalm me downâ asked me to describe what was going on, when I started rattling off all the things that have recently gotten ontop of me and she responded by rolling her eyes and declaring that âeveryone has problems mateâ - I could go on for days!! I apologise for the ridiculously long AITA (complete with backstories nobody asked for and sidequests that probably hold zero bloody relevance (thatâs what happens when Iâm classified as an extra, EXTRA at anything (subscriber or whatever else)! Love everything you guys do over there âDown The Hillâ, and am SO excited to see you in August (with my people pleaser guilt tagging along with me in my handbag no doubt!!!).
Helping my white middle aged husband understand privilege.
Please ask as anonymous if you answer this one on the pod, as some people could identify hubby from my following post đ Hey Em, bit of a heavier question than some of the other recent ones, but let me tell you, I live for the Shmyson update and content đ Background context: My hubby has come a long way in understanding his own neurotype which is impressive as he canât remember his own pass to get into his building at work most of the time. He accepts that he probably has inattentive type ADHD, alongside autism. I would suggest he would meet the diagnostic criteria for a level 1 presentation, which he agrees with. He has come along on the journey of yours since your press club address, and I have been exposing him to more of you in general over the last 12 months or so. And by exposing, I definitely mean aggressively putting an AirPod in his face and making him listen to your pod with me đ He was very involved in discussions with me about our house dynamics when you released the Marriage Diaries, and you are a standard topic of conversation in my house. Thank you for the ongoing content that I can use passive aggressively đ I digress! He really enjoyed the first episode of Anomalous, and shared the link to me of the yesterdays episode enthusiastically when it dropped (Like I hadnât already listened to it, but props for trying đđ). Last night when we were dissecting the episode, there was a lot of defence on his behalf in your bringing attention to the trans/queer community. He felt as if the pod wasnât the correct place for this info to be spoken about, and wasnât reflective of the ND community as a whole and âwhy being attention to something that doesnât need attention on it in terms of ND? Iâm listening for ND content, not LGBTQI+ info. I attempted to engage him in dialogue around the fact that intersectionality is important when discussing these things, and itâs crucial to discuss/highlight the oppression marginalised communities experience in general. You canât separate them. It was like trying to explain quantum physics to a cat. He wasnât able to understand what I was putting forward to him. Clearly I am not communicating in a way that allows him to grasp concepts of intersectionality and I suppose privilege more broadly. He also is very defensive when it comes to mentioning systems of oppression being rooted in heterosexual, white, middle aged men. âWhy does it always come back to that?â His argument is that he feels he specifically doesnât represent that stereotype, and as such feels as if he isnât entitled to his opinion and will be shut down immediately because of this. Ironically, thatâs the point đ My question after all that is this: can you please articulate in greater detail the reason why discussing intersectionality and systems of oppression is important when addressing ND? And provide your definition of privilege so that he may understand it better? Because letâs face it, I fucking canât đ Itâ not that heâs opposed to understanding these important topics. He does âtry.â Ironically itâs his privilege and neurotype preventing him from grasping these concepts in full đ He has a lot of respect for you and your articulation of things, so hoping you can bless his ears with your wisdom. Iâm just his wife, ya know?! (Ps - I am also combo type ADHD, and suspect I am autistic as well. Just in case you didnât get that from the huge explanation haha!)
AITA - difficult mother and sentimental days etc
Hi Em and Michael, A bit of a trigger warning here re child sexual abuse/family violence/suicide. Also, apologies if this is a long question. I'm on a diagnostic journey with ADHD and autism (in no small part due to Em's advocacy) so feel a need to explain and over-explain. It was mother's day yesterday, and its the first year I've not seen or interacted with my mother on mother's day. For context, I grew up in a home where I was physically and sexually abused by my dad and his brother from around the age of 3. My mother was regularly physically assaulted by my dad, he controlled all the money, he denigrated her and I, and I'm almost certain he sexually abused her too. I'm an only child and am the only living relative my mother speaks to. My dad died almost a decade ago when I was in my late 20s. Since then, I've gone through a reckoning with my mental health and properly started to deal with the trauma of my upbringing. Throughout that process, I went through a nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt, and have come out the other side with a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder (mislabelled as Multiple Personality Disorder), and Complex PTSD. Since my diagnoses, I've put in a lot of work in therapy, and have spent years trying to rebuild the relationship with my mother. Deep down, I really care for her, and I know she has been through a traumatic experience herself. However, aspects of our relationship have been extremely problematic. For example, she does not accept my diagnosis of PTSD (she says it is for war veterans and doesn't know what I'm on about) - I haven't told her about the Dissociative Identity Disorder because I can't even fathom how she would deal with that bombshell. My mother also subscribes to the view of "well, its in the past", and "it wasn't that bad", and at times, sometimes says to me "well, at least when your dad was hurting you, he wasn't hurting me, I don't know why you're being so selfish". I should also mention that over the past decade, I distracted myself with a law degree (ultimate avoidance behaviour) and graduated first in my class, and am now a practicing solicitor. However, my mother uses this against me, saying "well, you wouldn't be able to achieve all that if what happened to you was that bad". I have spent years just trying to put some boundaries up. I've limited myself to only seeing her on special occasions for a limited time, not bringing up my dad or my mental health etc. However, I'm finally at a point where I've had enough, and I can no longer see her without feeling a terrible pain within myself, even if our interaction was innocuous. That's why this year I decided not to see her or spend time with her on mother's day. My husband, two teen daughters (two fierce ND queens, aged 13 and 14), and myself all had to block our phones because she has a habit of ringing incessantly when we try to ignore her, and I spent yesterday so stressed about her finding some way to contact me. My husband and daughters are supportive of me drawing a line in the sand and distancing myself from my mother for good, as is my mental health team and most of my friends. However, when I was speaking with one close friend, she said something like "you only get one mum, and you're all she's got, I think you should give her another chance". I was up all night with this thought, feeling terribly guilty and almost like I need to apologise to my mother for ditching her on mother's day. I have no doubt my mother would have felt upset by me rejecting her yesterday and I know I am her only family. However, whenever I'm with her, I have to pretend the trauma of my upbringing isn't there in order to keep the peace, and it is just incongruous with who I am as a person now. AITA for wanting to just let go of this relationship? AITA for bringing up past trauma when the person who did this is long gone and cannot defend themselves? I am just so lost right now. Again, apologies for the long question. Tali xo