AITA - House Guests from Hell Edition
Hey Em, I have a feeling I am in the right but being a chronic people pleaser has me second guessing myself. For context - I am 31, ASD/ADHD, I live with my partner 32,(Hetero white male who genuinely tries but we know who carries the load around here) and 4 children aged 11,10,8 and 4 - all ASD/ADHD and one with a chronic health condition, as well as part time care of three step children aged 15, 10 and 5. My partner and I both work full time and the kids have various therapies and sports etc. So we are a busy house. 12 weeks ago, a friend of my partner, 37male (lets call him Bob) and his 15 yr old daughter (lets call her Betty) moved in with us to try and help them out of a rough spot. They had been living with grandma, she passed away last year, the family sold the house and the rental market here is awful. We were trying to do the nice thing and we wanted to know that the 15yr old had somewhere safe to live and besides, we had a living space that could be closed off for privacy and times are tough right? He didn't have a job but was looking and made all the promises to be helpful. Fast forward 12 weeks. He got a job and then lost it. He plays video games all day. He sleeps in til 2pm everyday. He hasn't washed his sheets since he moved in. We have to tell him to shower because you can smell him from 2m away (regularly). He has washed the dishes once and hasn't vacummed, swept, cleaned a bathroom or taken out the rubbish. I have been doing all his daughters washing. I cook all the meals and provide all the food. They pay $150 a week to cover all their expenses. Not once has he said thanks for me doing the washing or cooking meals and now he complains that I cook dinner too early and then he eats too many snacks so he doesn't eat at the same time as the rest of us. I should add, Betty is a vegetarian so I am cooking 2 meals most nights to accommodate (can you imagine the hell if I tried to make Mr ASD 4yr old I-only-eat-white-chicken-and-pene-pasta be a vegetarian?) I have been taking his daughter to the Dr to help with medical issues. When they arrived she had a head lice infestation so bad you could see them from across the room. I treated it and have done all the follow up treatments. My partner and I have had to take her to appointments and sports. Their room smells so bad that if the door is open, the smell comes through my entire house - think boys locker room with a side of something curled up and died with a hint of drop loo in the national park. Oh and last week, Betty got arrested at school after she tried to chase another student into the office and was throwing bricks at the glass windows when the door was locked. Oh, and she gave my girls (8&10yrs old) a romance book with sex scenes. We have tried speaking to them about being more helpful and maintaining some decent personal hygiene but he always blames someone else. It is Betty's fault for not listening when he tells her to clean, he has a cold, life is always so hard, the boss at his job didn't understand him. Oh, and he cries. Everytime. The AITA part comes in last night. He came into the room after dinner (that he didn't eat) - lasagna (from scratch fyi including the pasta and a separate vegetarian version complete with salad and garlic bread). Said to me (in front of the kids) "Thanks for all that you have done for us. And I know that you are busy, but you are being a bit standoff-ish to us and it is really rude and we don't like it. I don't know why you can't just have a conversation and be friendly with us." I fucking lost it - and by that I mean I sat and breathed deeply, stared at the wall while on the inside I was fucking Mt Vesuvius circa 79AD, started to say something, then thought better, said I was going to leave the room before I said something I would regret and went and put the 4yr old to bed. I am still furious. Now I know that I tend to see people in black and white in the sense that, if you really piss me off or hurt me, I struggle to see the good in you and want to speak to you. I try to be forgiving but if you cross too many lines, I just can't fake it with you and try and be friendly when really, I would like to see you meet a bus Regina George style. So my question is. AITA for not being more understanding and patient and forgiving? Should I be making more of an effort to be friendly and chatty despite my frustrations? Or....should I not have to mask and fake it in front of entitled, lazy moochers in my own house that I work hard to pay the mortgage for which is supposed to be my safe space? Also - how do I nicely tell him to fuck off? Can't wait to see you on opening night of the Outgrown tour! Amanda
Traffic Controller for my ND Family
Hi Em, I am a mum to a a teen ASD girl and an 11 year old Audhd boy and a wife to an Audhd husband (diagnosed late in life). I am struggling beyond belief to find a Pediatrician who is willing to agree to the assessments of our Psychologist and Psychiatrist of an ADHD diagnosis for my teen girl. I am beyond frustrated, overwhelmed and burnt out. She is a supreme masker and has to date been able to get straight As at school that the paed used as a reason to not confirm diagnosis. I don't expect you to have a solution but I am so tired of the "fighting" i've had to do to date for my kids in the schooling and medical system. So now I am having to find another Paed who is willing to accept previous assessments, who agrees with the results of these and for whom I have to pay a New Client fee to again. This is doing a number on my mental health and I want to rage at the world. Do you have any ideas as to how to even find an appropriate Paed and what to ask - we live regionally so everything clsoe by is a 12 - 18month wait unless I travel 3+ hours away. Signed - tired, exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed mother.
Do I have another baby??
Hi Em, I am a 32 year old mother of 2 little boys (4 & 2). I had my first baby a week before Perth went into lockdown in 2020. Luckily my husband and I were living with my ex-nurse/superwoman mum for the first 6 months after the birth which was SO great, highly recommend (don't think I stepped foot in the laundry or kitchen for 6 months, heaven). The vibe changed a bit when we moved out and my, then undiagnosed, ADHD/ASD went ballistic. I white knuckled/rage-cried my way through a miscarriage, another pregnancy and birth of our second baby. Looking back I have a bit more perspective of how severely unwell I was. Thankfully my diagnosis (and medication) came about 8 months after my second baby was born and since then I have been slowly but surely coming back to life. I have just started to feel that internal pull to have another baby. I get a brief sense of certainty about adding to our family but it is quickly squashed by a flashback montage of my experience with my first 2 children. On the one hand I know that my experience will never be the exact same as it was before. I know myself now, I know how to find support and I would be starting from a much healthier foundation. Despite the challenges I LOVE being a mum and would be thrilled to witness another little person grow in our family. But, having a baby is challenging even in the best circumstances. Getting good sleep has been a major factor in my mental health recovery and the thought of voluntarily giving that up for a time is a little scary (my babies seem to be nocturnal creatures for the first year). I suppose the question I am wrestling with is this a decision I should perhaps let my head decide rather than my heart (naturally I'm a follow-your-heart-and-figure the-rest-out-later girlie)? Do I maybe make peace with never feeling "done" with babies but prioritise my mental health to be the best version of myself and best mum for the kids I already have? All other aspects of our life (finances, jobs, housing etc) are at a place where another baby could be added in without major impacts and my husband is genuinely content either way. I'd love to hear your perspective, this decisions feels weighty. Thank you!!!
Back stories!
Hi Em! Absolutely love everything you create. Have followed you since Idol and haven’t missed an ep! We all know the story of you and Michael but how did your relationships come about with the rest of your team? Ben, Zeke, James, Shaun? Have I missed anyone? Can’t wait to see you perform in Melbourne. Chookas! Emsolator Amy